Suffering From Irony
by Miss92
Summary: She was sure everyone would laugh at the irony, and maybe you are, but just when James Potter had stopped liking her, her heart had started beating for him. Lily just wasn’t herself without the encouragement of her toerag and decided to suffer instead.
1. Irony

**Suffering From Irony**

_Chapter 1: _

Autumn had finally taken control over the weather. The wind blew outside, leaving the trees of the Forbidden Forest not unharmed. She sat safely inside and watched how many leaves were flying through the air and how they flew past the window of the Gryffindor common room. And even when she was watching them intently she could still hear the scribbling of the quill in his hand on a piece of parchment, even though she had been trying to ignore this altogether.

But she did not succeed. She found herself wondering more than once what he was writing about and whom he was writing to. All the nerves in her body seemed to have focused on him and him alone and she once again found her eyes watching him with much interest and something that others might describe as desperate longing.

The knuckles of his left hand had turned white from fiercely holding onto the left armrest of the chair he was sitting in. His other hand was holding onto a quill and furiously moving over the piece of parchment. How she longed to find out which words he formed with it. She longed to know what he was thinking about. She longed to know if there was a possibility he was trying to ignore her just as much as she was trying to ignore him.

If he was trying to do so, he was doing a much better job than she was doing herself. This she had to admit to herself in annoyance. If only he would still look at her, if only he would still communicate to her in some way, she would not be doing such a lousy job on ignoring him.

She suddenly stood up. Stumbling a bit, because she even surprised herself as her feet led her towards the staircase leading to the girls' dormitories. She told herself not to turn around, not to look at him. She told herself to act as though he didn't exist and as though his presence didn't make her feel warm and comfortable on the inside, yet she found this was an impossible task.

"Are you writing to your parents?" the words had slipped out of her mouth before she could even think about it and she found herself watching him carefully.

He blinked a few times before he allowed his eyes to leave the piece of parchment he had been furiously scribbling on. His glasses stood askew on his nose and she watched how his mouth opened and closed again, letting go off one simple word. "Yes."

She found herself nodding and watched how he turned back to his letter again. His hand was moving the quill at the same speed it had before she had interrupted him to ask him a silly question. The thing was however that she had asked this question so she could muster up some courage to ask the next one.

"Are you going to the ball?" she asked, trying to sound nonchalant, but she could hear the tension in her own voice. And not only her voice was tensed. Her whole body was.

Again he looked up, a blank expression on his face. "Yes," he said calmly as he leaned back into his chair slightly, "are you?"

She smiled sweetly at him. "Depends," she said and she took a deep breath. "I will only go when I find a date in time."

She was curiously awaiting his reply. His eyes seemed to light up a bit after she had mentioned the word 'date' and she was almost sure that he would not disappoint her, but she found out that she shouldn't have been so naïve as to think he would ask her what she wanted him to ask.

"Well," he said, leaning forward and with his eyes on the piece of parchment again, "good luck finding yourself one then." He yawned slightly and stretched out his arms before he began writing again.

She felt as though someone had just slapped her in the face, but truth be told this was what she had been expecting to happen in the first place. But still, she had thought, or rather hoped, that a bit of his old feelings for her still remained. She had not completely believed it before, but she did believe it now: James Potter was over her.

"Good night," she found herself mumbling as she turned around and slowly started to ascend the stairs. He did not reply, he was probably too hooked on his letter or maybe he just did not want to reply. That could be the case. Why would he want to reply? He didn't want to win her over anymore. He was done with her.

She almost laughed at the irony of it all. Just when she started to see him in a different light, he decided to move on from her. But at the same time she shouldn't be surprised by the irony at all. She had always been so stubborn. Her father had once said that her stubbornness might one day become the end of her happiness. Well, today might just be the day her happiness indeed had ended.

Before she knew it she had reached the door to her dormitory and she opened the door as softly and slowly as she could. Hopefully Alice would be sleeping already and would therefore allow her, Lily, to get some rest or preferably: to cry her eyes out.

She was lucky. She could hear Alice's heavy breathing and she tiptoed her way over to her bed, finally allowing herself to lie down on it and to stare at the red curtains surrounding it. It didn't take long. The tears fell down her cheeks easily and she drowned herself in self-pity.

She did not want to cry over him, but it really was the only way to get rid off the emotions running through her body. 'Maybe,' she had even hopefully thought, 'maybe, I'll forget about him completely when the tears have done their job.' She knew that this hypothesis would in the end be dismissed, but at the time she comforted herself with the thought that maybe the passion and love she was feeling for James Potter was really just a passing crush.

She snorted loudly and gasped as she heard Alice let out a surprised squeak. She waited for several seconds before she decided Alice had just been dreaming and had not been responding to her somewhat unwomanly snort.

She let out a loud sigh and felt how her eyes grew heavier with each thought that passed her brain and the last thing she could remember was the wish she spoke out for herself. Though some others might refer to it as a curse.

'Let me suffer, because of the irony of this situation I am in.'

**Author's Note:  
**I'll keep it short. I hope you enjoyed it! Please, leave a review! I promise I will update as soon as possible!


	2. Misfortunebringing black cat

**Suffering From Irony**

Chapter 2: Misfortune-bringing black cat

She could not deny it anymore. Black cats did bring misfortunes to people. This she had found out when she had been petting her black cat, Liquorice, and watched James Potter go over to a blonde sixth year with very pretty brown eyes and high cheekbones. He had, obviously, asked her if she would like to be accompanied to the ball by him. The girl had not hesitated and had let out a loud 'yes'.

Since that dreadful morning she had been facing many misfortunes. She had been told off by professor McGonagall for daydreaming during her lessons, she had received a 'D' on her potion and professor Slughorn had started hyperventilating because of the failure of his best student and had to go see Madam Pompfrey. If that wasn't enough she was now facing the terror of very heavy raindrops falling down on her head and soaking her completely.

She inwardly told Liquorice off for being a black and misfortune-bringing cat. Maybe she would dye his hair white. He would be a very pretty white cat, but she would have to go through much trouble in finding her outside once it had started snowing. Liquorice loved to play in the snow and it was just much easier to find her now she was black.

Her clothing was already soaked and was now sticking to her body. She would probably catch a cold if she did not go inside this instant, but she figured she could take a cold. Unless, with her luck, she would catch something far more serious, like pneumonia. Maybe her pneumonia would be so serious that she would have to go to St. Mungo's and James Potter would visit her and hold her hand in his…

She shook her head. She was being ridiculous. She would not make herself catch pneumonia just so James Potter would hold her hand. She was going to let herself suffer, because of the irony of the situation she was in and she was not going to plan all kind of schemes to make James Potter fall in love with her again. For one, she was too proud to sink to that level and secondly, she would like to remind herself that she was not desperate in the slightest.

She slowly started to make her way to the castle. She was cold and she wished for an umbrella or another cloak. Of course, she could have summoned one with just a word and a swish of her wand, but she was going to suffer and she would not go easy on herself.

Suddenly, the raindrops had stopped soaking her. She could see a cloak over her head and she looked to the side, facing no one other than James Potter. He smiled at her, his black hair was messy and his face inched closer and closer and she was about to let out a contented sigh when… when she realised she had been daydreaming again. James Potter had not held a cloak over her head, nor was he inching closer to her face. Not even the raindrops had stopped soaking her. No, she was capable of having very realistic daydreams.

She pushed the doors to the castle open and stepped inside, feeling the warmth of the castle rush over her. She was trembling slightly, she noticed, as she started to ascend the stairs towards the Gryffindor common room. She would not mind taking a very hot shower; she probably should if she didn't want to really catch pneumonia. She inevitably caught a cold already and she realised that she would suffer enough for her liking because of this. Had she already mentioned that she hated catching a cold with a passion?

She walked through one of the halls on the third floor when she heard the giggling of a girl from around a corner. She did not think as she turned this corner and was very surprised to find James Potter kissing the blonde sixth year, who was his date to the ball.

She had to stop herself from letting out a shocked squeak or maybe some tears even. She now was sure that Liquorice was a misfortune bringing black cat and she was about to turn around when she noticed that the couple had stopped kissing and was watching her. The girl wore a blush on her cheeks and James Potter was looking at her in surprise, but soon he was smirking.

"Did you dive into the Black Lake, Evans?" he asked teasingly and she swallowed hard to not let the tears fall from her eyes and to remain some of her pride and dignity, even though she was completely soaked and forming a puddle under her feet.

"No," she said, "I was merely enjoying a nice downpour from the sky, Potter."

She was about to walk around the couple so she could continue her journey towards the Gryffindor common room and to the girls' dormitories to take a long and hot shower when James Potter had to ruin her pride and dignity once more.

"Found a date yet, Evans?" he asked. This time it didn't sound as though he was only teasing her. It sounded as though he was laughing at her and she could not help but think that she didn't deserve this, even though she was letting herself suffer.

She did not answer and just pushed past him as he blocked her escape. She was no longer able to stop the tears from falling down her cheeks and she was happy he could not see her face. "I guess that's a no then," James called after her and he laughed loudly.

She angrily turned another corner and roughly brushed the salty tears from her cheeks. She did not want to think about anything he had said to her, but she kept replaying the scene in her head. Maybe it was her own mind telling her this was the best way to suffer, but right now she thought she had suffered enough today already and she just wished this day were over.

"Broomstick," she told the Fat Lady and she inwardly cursed the stupid new password to the Gryffindor common room. Everything seemed to remind her of James Potter these days and the fact that he was very good when it came to flying on a _broomstick _did not make it better. She would go see McGonagall to ask if the password could be changed. Maybe, she could make up a little white lie about the Slytherins having overheard the password or something?

She sighed heavily as she stepped into the common room and she could feel several eyes burning a hole through her head. She supposed it did look a bit funny. The Head Girl completely soaked with the water still dripping from her hair and robes to the floor, but she did not acknowledge any of them as she immediately ascended the stairs to the girls' dormitories.

When she opened to door to her dormitory she found Liquorice lazily playing with a quill that lay on the floor and she let out a frustrated groan. Liquorice looked up in what seemed to be annoyance and curiosity. "Traitor," she mumbled as she walked past her cat and entered the bathroom to take a hot and very long shower.

**Author's Note: **I really enjoyed writing this chapter, so I hope you enjoyed it as well. Let me know what you think about the story so far! Thank you so much for reading this and please, leave a review! Love, me.


	3. Sneeze

**Suffering From Irony**

_Chapter 3: Sneeze_

She was never going to enjoy a nice downpour again. This she decided when she patrolled the halls of Hogwarts with James Potter at her side. Her hands were cold as was the rest of her body, but she did not want to let it show for she was going to suffer. Not that patrolling with James Potter wasn't enough of a punishment. Not a word was said during their weekly patrols and this made her feel very insecure.

"Tsjie," she sneezed lightly and wanted to curse herself for it. She could feel James Potter's eyes on her and she did not feel comfortable about it that moment. Her nose was running and she sniffed quickly and wished she had tissues in one of her pockets, but Liquorice must be the world's most misfortune-bringing black cat for she did not carry any tissue with her.

"Here," she heard James Potter suddenly say and she carefully looked to the side. He was handing her a tissue, a polite smile on his lips. Yet, again, she wondered if he would hold her hand if she lay in St. Mungo's with pneumonia, but she quickly shrugged the thought off and found herself accepting his tissue and mumbling a 'thank you' before she blew her nose.

She could hear a deep chuckle escaping from his lips and she closed her eyes for a second, again inwardly cursing herself, this time for blowing her nose so loudly in his presence. She was sure he must think she sounded much like an elephant when she blew her nose. She knew she did as her sister had told her this many times during the Christmas holidays the year before. She had at the time caught a cold, because she had been ice-skating until she felt like an ice cube and could barely move her legs.

"You've got a cute sneeze," he said and her eyes went wide in surprise and she looked at him. Apparently, she had looked rather comical at that very moment and James let out a loud laugh and shook his head slightly. "It was supposed to be a compliment."

She raised both of her eyebrows. "You are complimenting my sneeze?" she asked and she herself had to bite her lip to refrain from bursting out in laughter. She would have let herself do so, though, if she had not decided to let herself suffer. As this thought passed her mind, she shivered from cold. As though her body wanted to remind her that she was already suffering.

"Are you cold?"

Before she could say a thing he had removed his cloak from his shoulders and let it rest on hers. His cloak was very warm and just what she needed and she once again thanked him. She realised this might have been the longest conversation they had held all year and she smiled slightly, before she remembered the blonde date he had been kissing with earlier.

James cleared his throat and she looked at him again. He frowned slightly and seemed to have much trouble with deciding whether he wanted to say something else or whether he was going to keep quiet. He decided to speak, she noticed as he opened his mouth and words rushed out of it.

"I am terribly sorry about earlier today," he said and he looked at her with genuine regret written in his eyes. "I was very mean to you." He paused and smiled slightly before saying some more. "I was an arrogant toerag, as you so nicely put it in fifth year, I believe."

She could not help but smile a bit at his last comment and she also could not stop the warmth from rushing through her body nor could she stop her heartbeat from beating rapidly. She could not stop any of this, even though her mind was yelling at her and telling her that she was being stupid and that she should suffer and that what she was doing now was not suffering.

"It's fine," she said quietly. She was surprised he had even heard her, but she knew he had, because his eyes lit up. "I shouldn't have walked in on you and your… girlfriend?"

She had not meant to use the world girlfriend, but she supposed that this was her mind getting back at her heart for being silly and beating rapidly for the boy walking next to her. She had not realised it before, but she hated the stupid word. Or at least, she hated it since she had used it referring to the blonde girl that James had been kissing earlier that day. If she had been referring to herself as James' girlfriend however… She mentally slapped her own cheek.

"Oh," James said and she noticed a slight blush appearing on his cheeks, "she isn't, I mean…" He stopped talking and sent her an almost pleading look. "She's my date to the ball. Nothing more."

She felt the corners of her mouth twitch slightly. "Nothing more _yet_." She noticed him blushing harder and she knew she was right about his crush or probably even fancy on this girl. Her heart had shattered to pieces and she swallowed hard before she spoke again. "What's her name? I can't seem to remember."

"Ellen," James said. The way he said her name told her even more. He almost made it sound as though her name was the most precious thing on earth. As though she was the most precious thing on earth and she supposed that in his eyes she was and she also supposed that the reason she, Lily, did not use his first name was because it would sound the same as Ellen's name on his tongue.

She nodded and flashed a smile at him. "James and Ellen," she said as her eyes watered slightly, "it has a nice ring to it."

He chuckled softly, but he didn't seem to sound joyful or happy. "You think so?" he asked and she could only nod.

They walked in silence for a few minutes and she had successfully kept the tears from rolling down her cheek when she suddenly felt his hands putting pressure on her shoulders and before she knew it her back was against the wall.

"You haven't got a date to the ball yet?" he asked calmly. His eyes were curiously watching her and she swallowed hard before she had mustered enough courage to answer him.

"No," she said and she saw the surprised look in his eyes, "I have been asked several times though." He looked away from her face and seemed to focus on the wall. "So, you don't have to pity me."

He looked back at her again and shook his head. "Don't worry, I don't pity you," he said and he took a deep breath. "I know there are many guys waiting in line to have your arm linked in theirs."

"Exactly," she nodded and then her eyebrows rose in surprise as she realised what he had just said. "I mean, what?"

James chuckled lightly and before she knew it his lips were on hers. She could not think, she could not breathe. She could only focus on the gentle touch of their lips and she shivered in pleasure, but it was over as sudden as it began.

Her eyes fluttered open and she watched him in surprise. He was staring at her with the same surprised expression on his face mixed with confusion. She could not help but think that he looked adorable when he was surprised and confused at the same time and she almost wanted to kiss him again, but her whole body turned cold when James shook his head and took several steps back.

"I'm sure you'll find a date," he then said firmly and he almost sprinted out of the hall, leaving Lily leaning against the wall with a shocked expression on her face and with her heart shattering even more, if this was still possible.

**Author's Note: **I hope you all enjoyed this one. The next chapter might take some time to write, because I'm really busy. That's why I thought I should post this one as fast as possible. Please leave a review and let me know what you think!


	4. True Gryffindor courage

**Suffering From Irony**

_Chapter 4: True Gryffindor courage_

Liquorice must have thought she had been too lucky the past six years he had been her constant companion. There was no other explanation as to why else her beloved black cat was bringing her so many misfortunes at the same time. She had always fed him, she petted him when he felt like it and she always let him play out in the snow… and yet her cat was betraying her.

She sighed heavily as she petted the black cat in her lap with her left hand as her right hand was holding her Transfiguration book. She might as well be studying right now for this was one of the rare times the common room was actually quiet and peaceful. That might be, because she was the only Gryffindor not present at the ball that very fine evening. And oh, how she loved the peace and quiet in this common room. Really, she preferred this to a ball any time!

Alice had told her she was being a lunatic and that she should just _go_ to the ball without a date, but of course this was something Lily just could not do. She was not watching James Potter having a fabulous time at the ball with his _girlfriend_, Ellen.

She groaned and threw her Transfiguration book to the floor. Liquorice looked up at her in annoyance as he had just been thoroughly enjoying the petting Lily had done and now she, Lily, had interrupted the quiet and peace in the common room. Then Lily let out a frustrated scream, before she took a deep breath and decided to calm herself down.

She had been there when he had asked the blonde girl with the high cheekbones to become his girlfriend. It had been in the common room and James had made quite a show of it, so really, it wasn't something you could miss if you were writing a really boring essay on Potions. Like she had been doing at the time obviously.

He had kneeled down in front of the girl and he had asked her if 'pretty please' she wanted to be his girlfriend forever and ever. She remembered ruining her essay while watching the scene, because she had let the ink bottle, she had been holding in her hand, fall on it and it had been Sirius Black, who had been so kind as to warn her that her blouse was covered in ink as well. If she hadn't been shocked enough already by James' show, she had been shocked by Sirius' kind tone of voice when he told her she was humiliating herself. Not that he used that order of words. He simply told her that 'she might want to clean her blouse before it was completely ruined by the ink'. But the look in his eyes had been one of pity.

So, when she had gone upstairs she had found Liquorice staring at her oddly and from that day on she had been convinced that the black cat might be helping her fulfil her own wish to suffer, because of the irony of the situation she was in. And still she was now petting the _evil_ cat. Though really, Liquorice was actually being a really good pet for he did what she had wished for.

She sighed and pushed Liquorice off her lap, receiving an angry glare from the black cat. "You bring me misfortune, remember?" she told the cat who jumped off the couch and ran up the stairs to the girl's dormitories. 'Stupid cat', she thought as she stretched her arms out and yawned. She was just standing up to follow Liquorice when the portrait hole opened and revealed a black-haired boy in handsome dress robes.

"You aren't at the ball," he said and she rolled her eyes as she walked towards the staircase.

"Obviously I'm not," she said and she was about to ascend the stairs when the black-haired boy grabbed her arm and held it tight. She turned her head to face him and glared at him. "What is the meaning of this?"

The boy stared back at her with a firm look in his eyes. "You're coming to the ball with me," he said and she laughed loudly at this statement. The boy however did not seem to find it funny. "I'm not allowing you to lock yourself up in your little tower, while everyone is having a good time at the ball."

She stared at him and felt how the wall she had built around herself easily broke down as he stared intently at her. "This is your last year, Lily," he said and he let go off her arm. "Come with me and lets have a good time."

She snorted slightly and she shook her head. "I don't want you to pity me," she said as she climbed a few steps of the stairs. The boy did not reach for her arm again. "Some people just don't like balls. _I _don't like balls."

The boy sighed heavily and shrugged. "Okay," he said and he leaned against a wall, "lock yourself up if you don't have the courage to go to the ball and aren't a true Gryffindor." She quickly turned around and looked at the boy with her eyes wide in surprise. "I'll wait here for you for another fifteen minutes."

She stared at him and then groaned in frustration as she climbed the stairs to her dormitory.

***

His arm was around her waist as they danced on yet another wild song and she hated to admit it, but she was actually enjoying herself. She laughed loudly as the boy started to shake his hips in a fluent motion and she did a pirouette herself. This earned her some applause from the people surrounding them. Most of those people were eyeing her with much interest and she didn't find this weird at all, to be honest. Sirius Black and Lily Evans did make quite an interesting pair.

"I can't believe you actually got me here," she yelled over the music in Sirius' ear. Sirius grinned, shrugged and yelled something in her ear about 'pushing the right buttons' before he pulled her body closer since a slow song was starting to play. Sirius winked at her and she only laughed.

They were gently swaying to the rhythm of the music and she was just thinking about how much she was enjoying herself when her eyes connected with a pair of hazel ones. She noticed that he was frowning in something that looked like annoyance and she quickly looked away from him and flashed a smile at Sirius. This one evening she allowed herself to just forget about her suffering and about her misfortune-bringing cat. This was what she had been doing ever since Sirius and she had entered the Great Hall where the ball was being held. And she did not allow James Potter to spoil it for her.

"I pity him, you know," Sirius suddenly said and she frowned slightly, wearing a confused expression on her face. "I pity James, because he thinks he has moved on from you." Lily's eyes went wide and she looked away from Sirius. She was not sure whether she wanted to hear this. "But he clearly hasn't."

She did not reply. She let her feet do their job and stayed quiet for the remainder of the dance and after two horribly long minutes, the song finally ended and another wild song started to play. Both Lily and Sirius let out a relieved sigh and they laughed and danced together for the rest of the evening with Sirius occasionally doing some spectacular lifting her up in the air.

But Lily couldn't help but feel two eyes boring into her head for the remainder of the evening as well and she had to force herself not to look back.

**  
Author's Note:  
**I want to thank you all so much for the amazing reviews I've been getting over the past few days! It really makes me feel happy and it encourages me to write a new chapter as well! I hope you enjoyed this one. The ending was really quite unexpected for me as well, but I think I like it. I hope you do as well. Thank you and let me know what you think!


	5. Hide and Seek

**Suffering From Irony**

_Chapter 5: Hide and Seek_

She could barely lift the suitcase from her bed and when she succeeded she groaned in pain as she had somehow managed to get her back in an extremely uncomfortable position. She had never known she was this flexible anyway and that her back could fit in this position. Apparently, she had underestimated the athlete in her. She might have been a very good Quidditch player and not, as she suspected, a disaster on a broom. Her first flying lesson had not looked that promising though. It was the first and only time she had ended up in the Hospital Wing in all her years at Hogwarts.

She heard a loud noise from behind her and she turned around to find Liquorice walking against the door. 'Stupid cat', she thought as she opened the door for the black cat. The black cat raced out of the room and this was something she had not been expecting.

"Liquorice!" she yelled as she ran after the black cat that had sprinted down the stairs with much ease. She however found that she might not have underestimated the athlete in her and that she really was not that athletic for she arrived in the common room panting heavily and with her cat nowhere to be seen.

"Great," she mumbled as she looked around the room for her black cat. She only had half an hour left before the Hogwarts' Express would leave to London and her mother would be really upset if she missed it, claiming this was most likely going to be the last Christmas they would celebrate as a family. Lily herself would have preferred staying at Hogwarts to having to spend two entire weeks with her sister.

She was just about to search underneath the couch, one of Liquorice's favourite hiding spots, when she heard someone cough lightly behind her. She abruptly stood up and hit her head against the back of the couch in the process. Whoever said this might not hurt that much was wrong. Hitting your head against the back of the couch does hurt and it also hurts your pride.

"Oh," he said sounding uncomfortable, "did that hurt?"

She knew she was blushing when she rubbed the back of her head and looked up to find James Potter with Liquorice in his arms. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at the cat that seemed perfectly content and at ease in James' arms.

"No," she finally said and she forced herself to smile, "at least, not much."

James nodded and looked down at the black cat in his arms. He did not only sound uncomfortable when he spoke, he also looked uncomfortable, but she knew she did not look much better. To be honest the only person that did not look uncomfortable at the present time was probably Liquorice. The cat had now started to spin in James' arms.

"He just ran into our room," James then said and handed the cat to her. Lily quickly took the cat in her arms and successfully avoided James' hand in the process. "Must have smelled a rat or something."

She raised both of her eyebrows. "Are there rats in your room?" she asked curiously and then bit her lip for over the past two minutes they had been together in the common room, Lily had started to repeat a clear message to herself. 'Whatever you do, don't seem desperate.' She now however did look slightly desperate for she had asked the question with so much eagerness that it was impossible to miss.

James' eyes had gone wide at her question and he seemed to be having a mental battle with himself before he grinned again. "Well," he said nonchalantly, "you never know what's underneath Sirius' pile of clothing."

She nodded and was slightly disturbed by the idea of piles of clothing lying on the floor in the boys' dormitories. Those clothes probably weren't even clean. She made a mental note to herself to ask McGonagall if they could make a new rule: 'No dirty piles of clothing allowed on the floor.' Maybe she could even add a side note: 'Especially no dirty boxers allowed on the floor.'

"So," she heard James say and she noticed that his cheeks were slightly pink. Her eyes went wide at this. Maybe he had been able to read her mind and he now thought of her as a girl with a very disturbed mind. She shook this thought off. "Are you going home today?"

She swallowed before answering. "Yes," she said and she realised the time, "and I really should go. My mum will be really upset when I miss the train."

James nodded and smiled at her. "Of course," he said and he almost seemed relieved that she was going away, "well, Merry Christmas then!"

She nodded as well and found her way to the stairs, which she started to climb before answering him. "Same to you." She could not think of anything better or anything cooler nor could she think of anything nicer. It seemed as though she had lost her complete vocabulary in just a few minutes. She might read an English dictionary when she came home, just so this would not happen to her again.

"Oh, Lily," she then suddenly heard him yell and she could not stop herself from turning around. His cheeks were even pinker now, but she supposed her cheeks were even pinker. "I just wondered whether you needed help with your suitcase?"

She could only shake her head and sent him a grateful smile before she sprinted up the stairs. The speed with which she had climbed the stairs made her doubt her earlier statement about not being athletic. But she did not allow herself to give it much thought. She could only open the door and sat down on her heavy suitcase. She would give herself two more minutes. She thought she deserved to more minutes after all the torture she had just gone through.

She could not believe that they had actually talked. They had been ignoring each other ever since the ball had taken place and she had not been the only one he had ignored. Rumours said that he had ignored Sirius for an entire week for 'stealing his girl' and for 'having lost his complete trust in friendship'. She did not know whether the rumours or true or not, fact was that she had indeed not seen James and Sirius work together for about a week. Their friendship seemed to have returned back to normal now though.

She sighed heavily and looked up to find her black cat staring at her with a somewhat impatient expression on her snout. Lily narrowed her eyes at the cat and, how strange it might seem, Liquorice narrowed his eyes as well.

"You shall never play hide and seek again," Lily stubbornly announced to her cat as she stood up and lifted her suitcase from the floor. She could have used magic as well, but she just liked carrying heavy suitcases down the stairs. Now don't ask why this non-athletic girl likes something this athletic. She simply did not know.

**Author's Note: **Thank you all so much for all the response I've been getting on this story so far! I'm so happy when I find reviews or when I see someone has favourited my story. Thank you! I'm honoured, really. I hope you liked this one. Please, leave a review and I'll update as soon as possible, I promise!


	6. Bitter

**Suffering From Irony**

_Chapter 6: Bitter_

Her feet were cold, but she did not really care. Nor did she care about the fact that the snow, falling down from the grey winter sky this fine Christmas Day, was cold against the skin of her hands and her face. She had not bothered to put on a scarf or to wear gloves that morning as she woke up at a very early hour that morning, thanks to her black cat, which had jumped onto her sleeping form. She supposed she could not blame the poor thing, it was snowing and she knew how much her cat loved snow. Probably just as much as she did.

A smile played at her lips when she saw the beautiful and, unfortunately, misfortune-bringing cat playing with the snowflakes that fell down onto his black fur. Her cat was probably the maddest to walk around this earth, but she loved the little thing for it.

"Lily," she heard her mum yell and she looked up, "are you mad! Going out without a scarf and not even wearing a jacket? Come back in here!"

She stood up and slowly dragged herself back towards the house, picking up Liquorice in the process and earning a very unsatisfied look from the black cat when doing so. "Shh," she said and held her cat as though it was a baby, "we'll go back, I promise." She opened the door to find her mother shaking her head.

"You spoil that cat too much," her mum said as she opened the door of the fridge and took a bottle of milk out of it. "You act as though that cat is your child. It is, however, only a pet, Lily dear."

She shrugged and took the bottle of milk from her mum after she had poured herself a glass and she put it back in the fridge. "You would do the same thing if your cat were black, mum," she said and she noticed how her mother rolled her eyes.

"Superstitious much, dear?" she asked and Lily teasingly stuck her tongue out at which she earned a stern look from her mum and she quickly mumbled an apology at which her mum smiled again. This smile however soon faded when her mum seemed to remember something.

"Could you please dress up a bit? Vernon is coming as well in about twenty minutes and I would really appreciate…"

She did not let her mother finished. "Vernon is coming?" she asked, almost in shock. Her mother did not reply and Lily let out a frustrated cry. "Mum! You know how much he and Petunia don't like me! I can put up with Petunia, but I just can't stand him telling me how weird I am while he has the _weirdest _moustache I've ever seen!"

"I asked you to dress up, Lily," said her mum calmly. She had completely ignored her daughter's rant, so appeared. "Please do so."

She huffed and stomped up the stairs with Liquorice following her close behind, all the way thinking how it was right of her to be superstitious, because misfortune seemed to hit her in every possible way. If it wasn't her black cat that brought her misfortune… what else was?

She slammed the door shut behind her and let out another frustrated cry, just to let her mother know she did not like the situation she was going to be in at all. Hadn't her mother said she shouldn't punish herself that much after seeing the dark circles under her daughter's eyes? Wasn't her mother being a hypocrite for telling Lily that she shouldn't punish herself and at the same time was punishing Lily?

She sat down onto her bed and pulled her knees up to her chin. She did not feel like dressing up nor did she feel like facing her sister and her fiancé gazing adoringly at each other. She was just too bitter, this she had found out during the holidays, to be happy for her sister's happiness that she had found in the man with the weird moustache. Every time she saw her sister she couldn't help but think about that stupid young man at Hogwarts that drove her insane and she didn't want to think about him.

But it was all she had been doing the past week, honestly, thinking about him that is and when she thought about him her thoughts wandered to Hogwarts and what he would be doing at that exact moment and she almost always ended up fighting back her tears, because she always pictured him with the lovely, blonde Ellen with the high cheekbones.

She let out a groan and shook her head furiously before standing up and walking towards her wardrobe to pick out something that would please her sister. If she was able to do just that this day might not be so bad, at least, it would start off fine and that would be a relieve, really.

As she looked at a knee length black dress and a green dress from about the same length she heard a soft ticking against her window. She turned around to find a brown owl with a parcel tied to its paw.

The two dresses fell to the floor as she recognised the handwriting on the envelope that accompanied the parcel. She felt as though all of the air in the room had been sucked away and maybe it was for this reason that she ran towards the window to open it and to let air in again, but she knew better. She was so anxious to find out what he had sent to her and what he had written that she could not stop herself from running.

The owl allowed her to untie the letter and the parcel and she did so with shaking hands. When the parcel and the letter were finally freed from the owl's paw the owl hooted one time and then flew away out of the window again.

The cold winter air seemed to have frozen her in time, because the only thing she could do was stare at the parcel and the envelope that now lay on her desk. She shook her head and made her way to close the window and when she turned around again she walked towards the two dresses she had been looking at to wear and carefully lay them on her bed.

She honestly did know what to do with herself. She wanted nothing more than to open the parcel, but at the same time she was forcing herself not to open the parcel. She had almost come to terms with herself and had almost been sure when it came to an impulsive decision she had made the day before and had announced to her parents. She would become a nun.

Her parents had, of course, laughed at this, but they hadn't known how serious she had been about this decision only thirteen hours ago and now this complete decision was ruined by one simple parcel and envelope.

Her hands were still shaking, she noticed, as they reached for the envelope. She slowly traced the ink in which her name was written and suddenly had a flashback to that one evening on which she had decided to suffer, because of the irony of the situation she was in. He had been writing, his quill furiously writing on the parchment and she could not help but wonder whether he had been just as immersed when writing to her, as he had been that very evening.

She opened the envelope and let the disappointment rush over her. It was a simple piece of parchment filled with only three words or rather two words and a name:

_Merry Christmas, _

_James_

She felt how tears started to form in her eyes and she shook her head once again. She was not crying over this. What had she been expecting? A long letter in which he explained how much he loved her? Yes, was the honest answer.

She sniffed and let her hands move towards the parcel and she slowly started to remove the brown paper from it, revealing a black and long box. Her heart beat ten times faster when her fingers slowly lifted the top of the box and she let the box fall to the floor when she noticed what was in it.

"Lily," she could hear her mum's voice and the door to her room opened slightly. She immediately jumped to the floor and attempted to hide the box before her mother would start to ask questions, but it was too late. "What is this?"

She swallowed as her mother took the box from her hands and let out a tiny gasp. "Isn't that just lovely?" she asked and took the golden chain out of the box. Lily could only stare and turned around, as her mother asked her to.

The golden chain and the golden locket felt cold and warm to her skin at the same time and she immediately let her hand go up to the locket that was engraved with a simple flower. She could not believe he had sent her something this valuable, something this beautiful…

"I don't understand what you are so bitter about, dear," her mum then whispered in her ear and left the room.

Lily could only stare at herself in the mirror, her eyes on the golden locket, and she let out a contented yet worried sigh. Whatever did James Potter mean by this?

**Author's Note: **I want to thank you all for all the response I've been getting on this story and for alerting and favouriting it. It really encourages me to write more to this story. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it's not a favourite of mine, but it is necessary for the story. It just didn't seem to flow out of my head as much as the others did, though I had been thinking about writing this chapter for a long time. Anyway... I hope you liked it. Please, leave a review and let me know what you think.


	7. Unwanted Words

**Suffering From Irony**

_Chapter 7: Unwanted Words_

She hopped off the Hogwarts Express and let the chilly January air be the cause of the goose bumps forming on her skin. She hadn't bothered putting on a coat that morning. Probably because she didn't have the time. This time problem was caused - she was almost too ashamed to think about it - because she had overslept this very morning. Her thin green shirt was not warm enough to protect her from catching a cold that would inevitably be finding its way to her.

She heard Liquorice let out an impatient groan and she picked up her black cat. Carrying her cat had some advantages, she found out, for one her cat was warm enough to make her feel slightly warmer. But what might be more important was the fact that Liquorice's body was big enough to cover the golden medallion she was wearing around her neck.

She knew she was being silly and that she shouldn't have worn the medallion if she didn't want anyone to see it, but somehow this medallion was comforting her. Almost as though James was embracing her when she wore the chain with the medallion. It felt as though he cared about her, even though it was just a bit and not as much as she wanted him to care.

"I love your shirt, Lily," said a quiet voice next to her. She turned her head to find a Hufflepuff prefect smiling at her. The boy was tall and had hundreds of tiny freckles covering his nose. She had always liked the boy and she felt bad about not remembering his name instantly.

"Thank you," she said and looked down at her shirt, "it's too thin to wear outside around this time of the year though."

It seemed the boy had been waiting for her to say this, because before she even knew it, he had wrapped his cloak around her shoulders. "I thought so," he nodded, his cheeks were slightly pink, "but the green does bring out your eyes, if that's a comfort."

She laughed and felt her own cheeks warm up as well. "Why thank you," she told him and sat down in one of the carriages together with the Hufflepuff prefect.

His presence was slightly nerving her. The boy was obviously trying to catch her eye by making extravagant gestures once in a while, but she didn't want him to catch her eye. If only, because she couldn't even properly remember his name – something told her his name was Joe, but she wasn't sure. This was nothing compared to the fact she felt she was having too much boy trouble already and something told her this boy wasn't just wanting to chat for a bit.

"Did you have a nice holiday?" he asked and she had to look up now. His eyes were kind when she looked into them and his mouth was spread into a wide smile, anticipating her answer.

"It was… fine," she added. It had been fine if you didn't count the last days. Those had been rather horrible, she hadn't been able to stop thinking about what the medallion meant to James. What he had meant by giving it to her and what this said about his feelings for her. Surely, they couldn't have been purely platonic, right?

She noticed that she had started biting her upper lip and quickly recovered herself and sent a smile to the Hufflepuff boy – she was almost sure his name was Joe now – earning a wide smile back.

"My holidays were absolutely marvellous," he said and leaned back into his seat. "Mum is a fabulous cook, no one can compete with her cooking skills." She smiled and thought about her mum's carrot pie. The best in the whole world. "Though I'm sure you can."

She giggled softly and shook her head. "I'm sure I can't," she said and shrugged, "I can bake a lot of nice pies, but that's about it."

The boy shook his head. "I'm sure you're just being modest. You always are."

Again she shook her head, but she didn't say anything. She did not know how to respond and she definitely didn't want to shatter the boy's view of her. He seemed to think she was perfect and she didn't want to disappoint him by telling him she was far from perfect. Maybe she should have told him, but somehow it just wasn't what she wanted to be doing at that very moment.

Maybe this was because in the past few weeks she had noticed exactly how imperfect she was and this might sound silly, but she was slightly disappointed with herself. She had always been able to hold up the perfect image, she had heard people whispering in the corridors about perfect Lily Evans. But she hadn't heard people referring to her as perfect in a while. The news probably hadn't reached Joe – or whatever his name is – yet, but it was surely going to reach him soon.

She shook her head and looked up again, finding the boy staring at her with a curious expression on his face. "Are you all right?" he asked.

Luckily, the carriage stopped, having reached the castle, before she could answer and she politely excused herself with a smile she hoped was radiant and would make him believe nothing was wrong. But something told her the only thing she managed to do was him to pity her, because, judging by the tight feeling in her cheeks, her smile came out rather forced.

She quickly made her way inside of the castle and sprinted up the first two stairs so the boy would not be able to follow her and to start asking questions she did not want to answer. What was she supposed to tell him? 'No, I'm not okay. I fancy the pants off of James Potter. Unfortunately, he has a girlfriend, but at the same time he sends me a beautiful medallion to mess with my head. So, no, I'm not okay!' That would probably scare him so much that he would never come to prefect meetings again just to avoid her and her madness.

Before she knew it she had reached the portrait hole to the Gryffindor common room with Liquorice still in her arms. The cat was spinning contentedly. She looked up to see the smiling face of the Fat Lady and she smiled back.

"Good to see you, dear," said the Fat Lady, "things have been rather loud since you've been away."

Something told her she didn't want to know why things had been loud, because she was certain it had something to do with James and his friends. She told the Fat Lady the password and wished James Potter would not be in the common room. She wanted to avoid him at all costs.

Unfortunately, fate was not at here side today. Or, maybe it was Liquorice who wasn't on her side today, because when she stepped into the common room she found James Potter staring at her with wide eyes.

The portrait closed behind her and she swallowed hard. She could just walk past him, acting as though he wasn't there. But she was sure this would not work out, because he knew she had seen him, seeing they were both gaping at one another. So, she would probably have to make something else up.

But before she even had the time to think of another flawless plan she was knocked to the floor when something or someone hit her and Liquorice let out an annoyed noise. She scrunched her nose up a bit when she noticed a sharp pain on her right kneecap. She was sure there would be a huge bruise forming there and she made a mental note to herself to not wear a skirt for a couple of days.

A hand wrapped itself around her arm and helped her up. When she looked up to see who had helped her she found an apologetic Sirius Black staring at her. She mumbled a thank you and walked towards the stairs leading up to the girls' dormitories, all the while ignoring the happy squeals from behind her.

"Oh James!" she heard the girl's voice exclaim. "I missed you so much! Mum was insisting I bring you over for our next holiday, apparently I was a bore these two weeks and they're blaming you and your absence."

She felt tears welling up in her eyes and climbed the first four steps before letting out a little sob when she stepped onto the fifth.

"And the ring!" she heard the girl exclaim. "I loved it! And the note… oh, you are the most romantic boyfriend a girl could wish for! James, I love you so much!"

Then a sharp pain went through her body, causing more silent sobs to escape. He had said the words she had never wanted to hear him say to anyone but her.

"I love you too, Ellen," he said, "I love you too."

**Author's Note:** Before you all tell me it was about time I updated, I want to tell you how truly sorry I am. School has been horrible. It seems every single one of my teachers thinks that I have more than 24 hours a day. Well, let me tell you: I haven't got more than 24 hours. Anyway... I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! I felt a bit sad after writing it (poor Lily), but it was necessary (not because I hate Lily, because I love her). Please leave a review and let me know what you think!


	8. The Heartless Boy

**Suffering From Irony**

_Chapter 8: The Heartless Boy_

Her feet carried her out of the Potions' room as fast as possible. She wanted to forget all about the events that had taken place in that room for the past hour. Watching him chopping some ginger newt had somehow made her head start spinning and she honestly didn't know why. The only thing she knew was that it seemed his hands didn't only move furiously when writing, they also moved furiously when chopping some ginger newt for his potion.

It hadn't helped much that Professor Slughorn had tried to start a conversation with her over his next party and somewhere midway their conversation asked something along the lines of: "Miss Evans, are you listening to me or admiring Mister Potter's chopping skills." Then James had turned around to look at her and Slughorn had smiled at him. "Might I add, your skills are quite admirable, Mister Potter."

She just knew that Professor Slughorn and Liquorice had somehow decided to side together and were trying to make her life more miserable. Because only seconds after mentioning the fact that she had been admiring James – or Slughorn's version of it – he had told the whole class that he thought she and James made a very good team of Heads. If he had stopped there it wouldn't have been that awful, but no, Slughorn had decided to tell about their relationship before the two of them were Heads.

Somehow, during Slughorn's lively tale about their prior relationship, she had ruined her potion and Slughorn had been so surprised and disappointed that he decided to make another upsetting remark: "Oh dear, Miss Evans, did I upset you with my memories about you and Mister Potter together?"

She shivered when she walked past an open window, but she didn't have the energy to flick her wand and close it. Her head was aching and she needed to sleep.

Sleeping had turned out to be a torture for her over the past few days. Ever since she had heard James telling Ellen that he loved her, she had not been able to get her mind of it. It was always on her mind and she couldn't sleep because of this and if she did fall asleep… she would dream about James and the wicked with Ellen.

Oh, how she had started to dislike Ellen over the past couple of days, even though this had been an exceptionally hard thing to do. Especially since Ellen had smiled brightly at her this morning and had told her that her hair was fabulous and that she always thought my hair was the most beautiful in the whole school. But when she had seen Ellen hug James and kiss his cheek… lets just say she had felt a sudden urge to shave the girl's hair.

A hand grabbed her arm and before Lily had a chance to protest she was pulled into an empty classroom. Her eyes were wide when she stared at the person who had dragged her in. His black hair was untidy, as always, and he was pacing. Without looking up at her he started to talk.

"Slughorn just can't shut up," he said. He sounded agitated and a bit desperate at the same time. By the way his brow was furrowed Lily knew that he was more than just a bit confused. "Can he?"

She didn't know what to say, so she only gave him a small 'no'. He looked up at the sound of her voice, his expression was somewhat pained and Lily supposed she had the same look in her eyes as he had in his. A look of sadness.

"You're wearing the medallion," he said. His eyes briefly flicked to the golden medallion before he looked up at her again. "I wasn't sure whether you would or not."

She bit her lip and looked at the floor. "It's a beautiful medallion," she almost whispered, but she knew James had heard her, because he took a step closer to her. "I meant to thank you before, but I just… you always seemed so busy." She looked up and stared directly into James' hazel eyes. "With your friends. With Ellen."

James groaned in frustration when she mentioned his girlfriend's name. "Come on!" he said and shook his head. "Lily, you _must_ know that I don't like Ellen as much as I like you!"

Her eyes went wide and she took a deep breath before she answered him. "How am I supposed to know that?" she asked him. James seemed taken aback by her answer. "You hug her, you kiss her, you… you tell her you love her and I'm supposed to _know_ you like me better?" She could feel the anger rushing through her body. "You barely talk to me, while you talk to Ellen at every possible moment of the day!"

James stared at her for a few seconds and then let his left hand stroke her right cheek. Lily felt shivers rushing through her body and her eyes fluttered closed, but they opened quickly when she heard James' question. "Do you love me, Lily?"

She stared at him. His eyes were searching her face; she could see the wonder in them. Then he cracked a small smile. "Tell me you do and I'll be yours!"

She gaped at him. She realised this was probably one of the best impressions of a fish she had ever done in her life before and she also realised than James' smile vanished. "Right," he said and the hand, that had been touching her cheek, dropped next to his body. "Don't worry, I understand," he mumbled.

"You do?" she asked and before she knew what was happening to her, she pushed him away from her. "You do understand, don't you?" She almost yelled and she realised tears were forming in her eyes. "Because James Potter doesn't feel any love for anyone, does he?"

Every muscle in James' body seemed to tighten when she had said this. She could see he desperately wanted to reply, to deny everything she had said, but she could also see that he just didn't know how.

"You are _heartless_," she almost whispered and let the tears freely roll down her cheeks. "You expect girls to give up everything for you, but you never give them something back in return… it's always you!" She said and turned her back on him. "And I'm _sick_ of it! I feel sick when I think about the fact you kissed _me_ and got a girlfriend just days after! I feel sick when I stare at myself in the mirror and see that I'm wearing the medallion _you_ gave me! I feel sick when I realise just how much I _want_ you!"

Her breath was irregular and her eyes were still leaking salt tears when she stopped yelling at him. She didn't hear anyone move behind her and for a second she thought he might have left her alone in the room that he had gone while she was having a go at him, but then he spoke.

"I'm sorry for making you sick, for making you feel disgusted with me," he said and she knew she had hurt him by the way he sounded. "I guess nothing changed after all."

She could hear his footsteps retreat and she turned around in a frenzy. "What do you mean nothing has changed?" she asked him. His shoulders were slumped and he didn't look at her.

"You will always find me disgusting and I will always stay a fool," he said and shrugged.

She swallowed hard. "We're just not meant to be, James."

This time James did turn around and a sad smile was playing at his lips. "I suppose we're meant to suffer from a love and hate relationship for the rest of our lives." He looked at his feet and then shrugged again. "We'll never know if it would have worked out between the two of us."

Lily could feel more tears welling up in her eyes. "Trust me, it wouldn't have."

James took a few steps in her direction and then took her hand in his. "I wish it would have, Lily."

"I know," she nodded and squeezed his hand a little, "I wished for the exact same thing."

Then James let go of her hand and pressed his lips to her cheek in a comforting manner. She didn't want his lips to leave their place, but after a few seconds they did and she could hear the door of the classroom open and close again with a soft click.

She started trembling all over her body and at the same time a dull feeling seemed to settle in her head. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe James was right, they were meant to suffer. She let out a bitter laugh. All this time she had been thinking she would never feel worse than she had at that moment, but she had been wrong, so wrong. Her world had shattered; maybe James' world had shattered at the same time. She sighed. She hoped his world was still intact. Because then at least one of them wouldn't have to suffer.

**Author's Note: **Yes, I am cruel. I couldn't believe myself when I wrote this. The cruelty of it all... poor James and Lily. Anyway... I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter. Or maybe I should say: I hope you still want to read the end of the story. I'm not really sure how many chapters there are left to write. But you'll all see soon enough. I love happy endings and reviews.


	9. No more passive waiting

**Suffering From Irony**

_Chapter 9: No more passive waiting_

Orange pumpkin juice soaked her jumper when she let the glass filled with pumpkin juice fall on her plate with a resounding crash. The glass broke into hundreds of tiny pieces and she could only stare down at it and tried to memorise each tiny piece, before looking up at Sirius Black.

"He said what?" she asked in a small voice. She could barely speak; maybe she just hadn't used her voice enough over the past few weeks. She had refused to tell anyone what was going on with her and now even Alice had given up the hope of her ever speaking again. At this moment she could see Alice staring at her with her eyes wide open, maybe just as surprised as she was about the news that Sirius brought with him. Or maybe she was amazed that Lily's vocal cords were still working.

"Lily, you have to understand that this is my fault," Sirius said. Lily had gone back to staring at the tiny pieces of glass on her plate. "I kept talking about you in the hope he would see that he's making a mistake… but he took it the wrong way!"

Her fingers moved of their own accord and grabbed a tiny piece of glass, she immediately regretted holding it when her finger started bleeding and she dropped the piece of glass and brought her bleeding finger to her lips.

"I just thought you should know before he starts making nasty comments about it," Sirius shrugged, while he stared at her finger. "Is your finger all right?"

She nodded and sent him a small smile. "It's fine," she said and she nodded once again, "it's perfectly fine." Her eyes were watering up, but she would not cry. Not in front of everyone. "My life is just perfectly fine!"

She vanished the tiny pieces of glass from her plate and dried her jumper with a heating charm, before she grabbed a bread roll and took a bite out of it. She realised that both Sirius and Alice were giving her worried glances, but she ignored the both of them and asked Louisa, a Gryffindor in fifth year, if she could just read the front page of the 'Daily Prophet' for a second.

"You know he's being stupid, Lily," Sirius said while she read about yet another missing person in the 'Daily Prophet'. "He's paranoid, to be honest." She pretended not to listen to Sirius, but she supposed that Sirius just knew she was listening. "He keeps saying the two of you wouldn't have worked out and that he is more than happy with Ellen, but…" Sirius sighed. "Lily, please stop pretending you aren't listening." She turned her head and looked in Sirius' grey eyes, she could barely see his left eye because of the purple bruise that tried to hide it.

"But what, Sirius?" she asked him and she noticed how Alice leaned closer to the two of them. "I am sure James told you about our last encounter. James and I just aren't meant to be. You should get over it," she turned her head away from Sirius and stubbornly took another bite from her bread roll. "I understand why he punched you, really, don't expect me to pity you. We're not even friends."

She noticed that Sirius stiffened as soon as she had said those last words and she also noticed that he rose from his seat and walked out of the Great Hall. But somehow none of this really hurt her. Not even the look of disbelief Ellen gave her sobered her up. She didn't feel anything, except for the complete numbness that had seemed to fill her up after the last time she spoke to James.

She had stood up. She hadn't noticed she had until she felt people stare at her. It was probably a very funny sight. The Head Girl walking numbly around the school, as though she hadn't slept for days, weeks even. She was sure McGonagall would come up to her one of these days to tell her that she should drastically change her behaviour, because she was not setting an example for the other students.

But she didn't even care anymore. She didn't care what others might think. She didn't care about school. She cared about nothing, because she was lost in her own misery. She was in too deep to see that she was hurting other people or maybe she was just in too deep to actually realise that she was hurting other people by her distant and non-caring behaviour.

"Lily," Alice's hand rested on her shoulder and Lily seemed to wake up from her thoughts for a second. "What is going on? I'm not leaving you alone until you tell me!"

Lily shrugged and sighed deeply before turning her head towards Alice, who was giving her a stern look. "I really don't care, Alice," she said and turned her head away again. "I'm just really tired and sick of all of this. It's the end of the year. We'll be gone in two months, so I hardly think everything you want me to tell you matters."

They had left the Great Hall and Alice was now shaking Lily by holding her shoulders. "What has gotten in to you?" her friend asked angrily. "Sirius Black came to warn you for James' behaviour, because apparently James thinks the two of you are having a secret affair and you are rude to him!" Lily looked in her friend's kind eyes that had an angry gleam in them. "If it was just that… Lily, you don't care about anything!"

Tears were now falling from her eyes and Alice let go of her. She seemed shocked that Lily had burst to tears so suddenly. "Can't I just stop caring for a moment?" Lily almost yelled. Her fists were balled and her breathing was irregular. "I just want to stop caring, because it hurts much less this way!"

Alice's hand grabbed hers. "What will hurt much less?"

Lily snorted. "Oh, please, as if you don't know!" Alice shook her head and the look in her eyes was sincere. She truly did not know what was hurting Lily. Lily took a deep breath and wiped away some of her tears. "It's James," she said softly and then let out a small chuckle. "Ironic, isn't it? He has liked me for years and when he stops I finally understand that I felt the same way all these years…"

Alice stared at her for a few seconds and then frowned. "Will you stop pitying yourself already?" she asked and Lily's eyes went wide. "I know it's horrible to be heartbroken, but you've got to do something about this! Don't just sit still and be passive!"

Something inside of Lily said that Alice was completely right. She had just stopped caring, but what would that do? It wasn't as though James would come running back in her arms, just because she was unhappy. "So, what should I do then?" asked she.

Alice rolled her eyes, as though everything was obvious. "Tell James he's being a prat, of course!" Alice smiled wickedly as Lily's eyes went wide.

***

James sat at his table, talking animatedly with Peter, who laughed. Judging by Peter's uncontrollable laughter, James had told an amazing joke. She took a deep breath before she took a step closer to their table.

"James, could I speak to you for a moment?" she asked as calmly as she could. She was desperately trying not to start fumbling with her shirt. Alice had told her to stay calm and collected and apparently fumbling with you shirt didn't make you look very confident.

James turned around slowly. Both of his eyebrows were raised. Peter looked shocked. His jaw seemed to have almost hit the floor. "What do you wish to speak to me about, Evans?" James asked, his voice sounding cold.

"Sirius came up to me this morning," she said, her voice now sounding just as cold as his. "Do you want to know what he told me?"

James frowned. "Why would I want to know what you two lovebirds discuss when you're alone?" He was about to turn away when Lily slammed her hand on the table. This made him look up again, an amused glint in his eyes, but an angry look in them as well.

"You are being a prat," she hissed under her breath. "He is your best friend!" James stared at her and his look softened somewhat. "And Sirius and me? What were you thinking?"

James' cheeks turned slightly pink and he shook his head, before flashing a smile at her. "I don't know."

She smiled back at him, then turned around and sat at her own table next to Alice. Alice winked at her and gave her a thumbs up. She now sent a smile in Alice's direction and then opened her books at the same time as McGonagall walked into the classroom and told them to be silent. She liked being active. No more passive waiting for Lily.

**Author's Note: **Thank you all for reading this. I thought I'd update soon this time. I hope you all liked it. Please leave a review and let me know what you think.


	10. How we feel

**Suffering From Irony**

_Chapter 10: How we feel_

"Lily," he almost breathed out her name as he sat down next to her. She could feel his eyes roaming over her body and for a moment she wanted to stop him, but she thought she might as well let him watch whatever he wants. Even though it made her feel extremely uncomfortable and even though her cheeks were now flushed.

She turned her head and his eyes immediately shot up to her face and he flashed her a smile. "Oh," she said and brushed a strand of hair out of her face, "hi Joe."

The boy's smile widened and he leaned in, his mouth close to her ear. "It's Jona, actually," he said, tickling her ear with his warm breath. She felt her cheeks grow even warmer and she wished he would just get his book out of his bag and would stop this tickling feeling.

"Let's get to work," she said quietly and she grabbed her book and motioned for Joe, no, Jona to do the same. Jona slowly turned away from her and grabbed his book, which had been lying in the bag he had brought with him.

"People warned me," Jona said and he grinned in her direction, "they told me you would go straight to business."

She once again brushed a strand of her red hair behind her ear and frowned slightly. "Is it a bad thing to actually study then?" she asked him and Jona shook his head, leaning in closer once again.

"No, it's perfect. Just like you are."

She couldn't control the blush that kept appearing on her cheeks and decided to try to ignore Jona for the rest of the coming hour. She seriously doubted herself. Why had she agreed to help him study? He had said she was his muse… that he was inspired by her. Maybe that had been the reason she had agreed, the sweet compliments, and not the fact that James Potter and the lovely Ellen were walking in front of her. No, it couldn't be that James Potter's tensing muscles when Jona had asked her to study with him, had actually convinced her to study with Jona.

Oh, but she knew it had and she had also known that James Potter had not been pleased once he heard her agree, because his head turned slightly and she could see the tense smile on his face as he waved at a boy passing him. Yes, thanks to James Potter she had once again gotten into a very uncomfortable situation with a flirting Jona and her own mind almost drowning in guilt, because she was leading the poor Jona on.

"I was very happy when you agreed to study with me," Jona said in a low voice. She turned her head to find Jona closer than an inch to her face. His eyes had flickered to her lips and she swallowed hard. Please, Jona, she thought, don't kiss me.

"Lily!" an excited voice from behind her said and she could feel an arm find its way around her shoulder. "Studying again? I can't ever leave you alone, can I?"

She turned her head and found James Potter smirking at her, but his eyes were not twinkling. They were dark, as though they were clouded over with anger and she supposed he was angry. He didn't have any right to be though. Okay, she had hoped he'd be angry, but still… he had Ellen! And now she had Jona. Kind of. Well, not really.

"She is fine, Potter," Jona said. His voice wasn't so kind anymore. "I'll watch over her. Make sure she won't drown herself in her studies." She turned her head to face Jona and she saw a wicked grin appear on his face. "Shouldn't you worry about your lovely girlfriend instead of worrying about Lily?"

She could feel James' body tense up and she could feel his breath tickling her cheek once he spoke. "I am very sorry, I didn't realise you and Lily here were getting cosy!"

She seriously wanted to hit James in the face. He was being a prat. Again! He was playing a stupid game of his that he had always enjoyed. Scare the boys that fancy Lily Evans away from her! Well, she would not let him do that today.

"James," she said sweetly, "could I speak to you for a moment?" James' eyes flickered in recognition of the situation and he almost seemed pleased with himself. Jona however looked very disappointed, so she rushed herself to tell him she would be back in a few minutes.

She stood up, successfully shrugging James' arm off of her shoulder, and walked out of the library. She turned the corner and stopped there, turning on her heel and facing James with an angry expression on her face.

"What do you think you're doing?" she asked him through gritted teeth.

James shrugged and leaned against the wall. "I was just saying hi," he said and closed his eyes. "No other motives, Lily, can I go now?" She punched his arm and this made him react. His eyes were now focused on her and blazing with anger. "What was that for?"

"For being a prat!" she almost yelled. "Again, what did you think you were doing?" James didn't respond. He only shook his head and made to leave, but she would not allow him before he admitted what he had been doing. A sudden thought crossed her mind and she spoke up. "You are jealous, aren't you?"

"Me?" he asked and he gritted his teeth. "Jealous? You wish, Evans!" He turned around again and started walking away, but Lily caught his arm and stopped him before he could.

"You knew that Jona had asked me out! You were there for Merlin's sake!" she yelled at him and her whole body tensed. "If you didn't want me to go out with him, you should have told me! You don't just interrupt a date!"

James turned around again and walked towards her. His face only an inch away. Her breath caught in her throat and she looked up at him, eyes wide. "Okay, I am jealous, but don't say you didn't expect me to interrupt your date. You wanted me to!"

She took a step back, not feeling strong enough to ignore his body this close to hers, and she took a deep breath. "Why would I want you to, James?" she asked him and then she sighed again. "Listen, I know how you feel about me…"

James groaned and stepped closer again. "Oh, please…" he said annoyed and snorted. "You know how I feel about you? _I_ know how _you_ feel about _me_."

For a moment they just stared at one another. Both their eyes flashing with anger. Both their bodies tensed and both of them wanting to just give in to the tension surrounding them and to be able to touch each other. But neither of them gave in.

"Maybe you are wrong, James," she said with one cocked eyebrow. "Maybe I can actually move on." She stopped for a second before continuing. "We both now you've got issues when it comes to moving…"

The word 'on' had been on her lips, but she hadn't been able to say it out loud for James' lips had crashed with hers and she now found herself pushed against the wall. His hands were on her waist, on her lower back, on her stomach… they seemed to be everywhere before the finally came to a stop in her hair and he pulled away.

"I think we've both got issues," he said. His chest was heaving and she felt the strong urge to kiss him again, but she knew she shouldn't and he knew she wouldn't. "Go back to your date, he's probably freaking out right now."

She stared at him, watched him turn his head away from her, his shoulders slumped and his whole body screaming defeat. Then she looked away and made her way back to the library where Jona was waiting for her and smiling brightly when he saw her return.

"I thought you might now come back," he said quietly.

Lily reached out for his right hand and squeezed it lightly. "Of course, I came back," she told him and then more seriously. "But I think we shouldn't do this again."

She bit her lip. Jona's face fell, but she knew it was the right thing to do. Leading Jona on was unfair. He was too nice of a boy to do so and of course, she would avoid anymore encounters like their last one with James Potter. It was safer for the two of them, really.

**Author's note: **Tadáá! Thank you all for reading and for all the reviews I got on the first nine chapters. I hope you all liked this one. Not really what I was planning when I started writing it, but... I think it is okay. Please, leave a review and let me know what you think!


	11. Hallelujah

**Suffering From Irony**

_Chapter 11: Hallelujah_

She was nervously biting a fingernail as she tried to contain herself. She had heard about the fight earlier that day, but she had had no idea that she had anything to do with the fight at all. She had thought that they probably had their first fight and that this had been the reason for Ellen's hysterical crying in the Great Hall during lunch. But, apparently, she had been wrong.

"… always looking at her as if she's divine or something!" she heard Ellen yell. She stopped in her tracks and suddenly wished she could just disappear on the spot as Ellen looked in her direction. "And oh, there she is again… why don't you tell her exactly how you feel, James?"

James turned his head and wore a tired expression on his face. His whole body seemed to be defeated and he let out a small groan as he sent her an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, Lily," he said, "we'll take this somewhere else."

"See!" Ellen almost screeched at the top of her longs. "You always try to please her, that goody-goody! Why can't you just admit that you want her and not me!" Lily felt how her cheeks warmed up and she turned around, trying to leave the hall as soon as possible. "Oh no, Lily, by all means, stay and listen to what he has got to say to you!"

She stopped and turned around again, but James sent her a firm look. "I'm sorry, Lily," he said and his cheeks were flushed, "it might be better if you just… left. This all is a bit messy and I don't want you to feel bad about it."

"But when I feel bad, you don't really care, do you?" asked Ellen again. James, however, didn't turn to look at her, but kept staring at Lily with a pleading look and Lily nodded.

"I'll just go," she said and bit her lip. "You two obviously have got a lot to solve." She was about to turn around when she noticed how Ellen had her wand out and directed at her.

"One more step and I'll hex your pretty red hair off," Ellen said venomously and Lily dared not step away anymore. "Now listen carefully to what James has got to say to you." Her head turned towards James. "Go on, dear, or are you too much of a coward to tell her what you told me this morning?"

James shook his head. "Ellen, you're being ridiculous!" he exclaimed as he tried to take the wand from Ellen's hand. Ellen, however, was smart enough to now direct the wand at James, who took a step back.

"I just can't believe how horrible you two are!" said Ellen. She sounded upset and Lily pitied the girl. "Having an affair behind my back! As if I wouldn't notice," she huffed and narrowed her eyes at James. "I am smart enough to figure out when I'm unwanted, you know."

"Ellen, I was not having an affair with Lily behind your back," James said and he sent Lily a sideway glance. "Isn't that right, Lily? We weren't having an affair, were we?"

She shook her head and took a few steps into Ellen's direction. "No, Ellen," she said reassuringly, "we weren't having an affair behind your back. James knows better than that, he would never want to hurt you intentionally."

"Oh, please!" said Ellen loudly. "Do you know what he told me this very morning? He told me, he couldn't pretend anymore. He told me that he loved you and that it has always been you. What do you think about that?"

Lily's eyes shot in James' direction. She noticed how his cheeks had turned slightly pink and she had to suppress the warm feeling that had taken over her body when Ellen had told her what James had said. "I think he's being very stupid then," she then said. "Doesn't he know anything about tact?"

"No, he doesn't!" Ellen exclaimed. "See? Even Lily agrees with me that you are completely tactless, James!" Ellen then sighed and shook her head. "Not that it has got anything to do with me, right now. It's over, James. It's over."

With those words said she walked away, leaving James and Lily behind. James' eyes followed Ellen and Lily's eyes watched James' every move and expression. She couldn't help but feel somewhat euphoric, even though James was probably feeling awful at the moment.

"I'm sorry," she whispered and unintentionally fingered the golden medallion hanging on the chain. "I didn't know you two were fighting," she said and then shook her head. "I mean, I heard about your fight, I just didn't know you were fighting over here."

James shrugged and stared at the golden medallion she was holding. "Nah," he said and then sighed heavily, "it isn't your fault, really. Ellen and I have never been great at keeping things private." He then looked at his feet. "Thank you for trying to help me, though."

Lily bit her lip and she sent James a sad smile. "I'm sorry about your break-up."

James only shrugged and frowned slightly. "I need some fresh air," he said and smiled at her. "Do you mind going with me for a walk around the lake?"

"No, not at all," she said and started to walk together with James. This was something they hadn't done in a while, walking side by side. Maybe, this was because they had been avoiding each other even during their patrols.

"I'm sorry you had to hear us yell," James suddenly said and now it was her time to shrug.

"I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time," she said and James chuckled.

"Now it sounds as though you just did something terrible," his eyes are twinkling. "Do you think you did something terrible?"

She sighed and faced him. "Well, I do think it is my fault the two of you broke up."

James looked at her for a moment as she looked at her feet, desperately trying to ignore his gaze. She felt butterflies in her stomach, a feeling she hadn't had in a while. "Well, it probably is your fault," James then said and she looked up in shock.

"What?" she asked and was about to yell at him when she noticed that James was grinning.

"If you weren't so bloody beautiful and always on my mind… But it's mostly my fault," he said and his cheeks turned slightly pink. "If I didn't like you so much as I do and if I didn't have issues when it comes to moving on… yeah, I'd probably still be happy with Ellen."

She smiled and let out a small sigh. "Do you think…" she stopped and swallowed. "Do you feel bad about liking me better than Ellen? Do you wish you liked her better than me?"

James shook his head. "Never," he said and he leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on her cheek. "You are a part of my life that I couldn't miss, Lily. You know that, right?" She nodded and James smiled sweetly at her. "I would take you in my arms right now and I would never let go if I could, but…"

"You need some time," she said and James nodded. "Well, I could wait a bit longer," she said with a huge grin spread on her face.

Suddenly they had both forgotten that James had needed fresh air and they ran towards the kitchens to celebrate their… what was it? Well, they didn't really care, because they both knew that they had taken several steps in the direction they had both wanted to follow to begin with and they both chanted the same word over and over in their heads: Hallelujah!

**Author's Note: **Okay, I realise that you all don't like me very much right now. I really did try to update sooner, but I was suffering from a writer's block. When this block was cured I got ill and school took over my life completely. But hey, I updated again! Hope you all liked this one... can you all feel the ending coming? Please leave a review!


	12. Delirious

**Suffering From Irony**

_Chapter 12: Delirious_

She heard the door of the Hospital Wing close, announcing that Madame Pompfrey had left the room, as she let out a groan of frustration. There she lay, in bed with a fever and a bad headache while her classmates were probably having a great time dancing and celebrating their graduation. She sighed. She would only see the insides of the empty the Hospital Wing on her last night at Hogwarts.

And she had had so many high expectations for this night. She had promised herself the day before that she would finally dare ask James if he had had enough time and now she would never know if he had had time enough, because they would be leaving Hogwarts the next day and they would most likely never meet up again. The thought of never seeing James again made her numb.

After James had told her that he still needed some time and her promise that she could wait, many things had changed between James and her. They'd sit together in the Great Hall during every meal, joking around, laughing and – in Lily's case – criticising each other's eating habits. They'd walk to classes together and sit near each other in those classes, if not next to each other. To be honest, they'd spent almost every single hour together after their conversation about time and waiting.

However, James had never mentioned if he had had enough time to think or whatever else he needed the time for. Though she could not entirely blame him. He had been so busy over the past two months with Quidditch and his exams that she could only understand why he hadn't told her he had had enough time.

Or maybe, so Lily thought, he had had enough time and had realised that his feelings for her weren't quite as warm as he had thought at first. Maybe he had realised during the time they spent together that she really was nothing special.

A shiver went through her body and she wrinkled her nose as a sneeze threatened to come out. She hated the fact that she lay in a bed while she could be having a great time together with Alice and the Marauders, most importantly: with James. But when she had woken up this morning and had gotten out of the bed she had passed out and the next thing she knew she lay in the Hospital Wing with a very nasty cold.

Alice had stayed with her for the first two hours, but then Madame Pompfrey had decided that Lily wasn't up to visits and needed her rest. So, the nurse had given Lily a sleeping potion, immediately knocking Lily out for the next ten hours.

If only those hours of sleep had made her feel better, she could have dealt with them. But after waking up ten hours later and still feeling as bad as she had done in the morning, she had gone into a very unhappy and rebellious mood. She had even threatened Madame Pompfrey with her wand in an act of desperation. Madame Pompfrey had snatched the wand out of her hand without much difficulty, because Lily was simply still exhausted after ten hours of sleep.

Not that many minutes later Madame Pompfrey had announced to Lily that she was going to say goodbye to the graduates and she almost burst into tears when she mentioned Remus' name, saying she would miss the boy. Sweet Remus, Lily had thought as she saw the emotions on Madame Pompfrey's face, dear, sweet Remus.

And that was it. The door had closed behind Madame Pompfrey and Lily still lay in a bed in the Hospital Wing, still feeling miserable and very much exhausted. She found her thoughts go back to a few months ago, she had also been in bed, feeling very sad and exhausted and she had wished to suffer.

Looking back at it right now she felt incredibly stupid for wishing to suffer, because this was, most likely, the reason she now lay in the bed and wasn't dancing and laughing with James Potter, if he wanted to dance with her that is. Which she doubted. Very much.

She heard the door to the Hospital Wing open and close again, but when she looked up to see who had entered, no one was there. She sighed again, wrapping her arms in front of her chest and looked at the huge clock that hung in front of her and read: 23.07. She let out another sigh.

"Quit the sulking, Lily," she heard a familiar voice to her right say and as she turned her head she met a familiar grin, "I heard laughing is a much better thing to do when you're ill. It's supposed to make you feel better."

He stood there with her black cat in his arms. His eyes were twinkling, his grin was wide and his hair was as untidy as ever. "Aren't you supposed to be down at the party?" Was the only thing she could ask and James' grin grew wider.

"Yeah," he said and then shrugged, "probably. But Liquorice missed you very much and being the good person I am, I just couldn't resist helping the poor cat."

Something tugged at the corner of her lips as she stretched out her arms to take Liquorice from him. The cat was spinning happily and nestled itself in the sheets of the bed as soon as she had placed him down on it. "If Madame Pompfrey finds out a cat was in here…" she started and James laughed.

"She'll freak out on us for sure," he said. "Luckily, my brilliance never fails me and I got Remus to dance with her, so I could go and see you." His grin widened. "I mean… so that your cat could go and see you."

"You made Remus dance with Madame Pompfrey?" She had to stop herself from laughing as she imagined Madame Pompfrey dance together with Remus. It was just a very odd idea.

"Yeah," James said and he rubbed the back of his neck. "And he agreed after I danced with McGonagall." This time Lily burst out in laughter and James' cheeks flushed. "Hey! She told me I was a very good dancer!"

Lily wiped her eyes and sent James a wide smile. "I believe you're right. Laughing does make you feel better when you're ill."

James smiled at this and looked at his feet, before he looked up at her again. "Do you remember me asking you if you could give me some time?" he asked.

Lily gulped. Her breath seemed to get caught in her throat and her mouth went dry, as her heart seemed to start beating ten times faster. "Yes, I do," she said, realising that her voice was a bit high-pitched she bit her lip and just stared at him.

"Good," he said and he sent her a sheepish smile. "I've had enough time to think and… well, to be honest I think you already know what's going to happen now."

Yes, she did. She tried to swallow away the thickness that was forming in her throat, but it didn't work. So, she looked at her hands, avoiding his eyes, because she was surely going to cry when she looked at him. "Yeah," she said and nodded. "I think I do and you really don't have to feel bad about it, it's okay."

"What?" James sounded confused and she looked up at him. He still wore a sheepish smile and the confusion in his eyes was genuine. "I'm sorry, I don't really understand what you're talking about, Lily. What's okay?"

She then started to doubt herself and hope sprung alive inside of her. "Well," she said carefully, trying to not sound too desperate. "Weren't you going to tell me that you didn't want to… you know… date me?"

His eyes went wide and he let out a strange laugh. "What?" he asked and then took her right hand in his. "What's wrong with you? Are you delirious because of your fever or anything?" James' hand shot to her forehead. "Yes, that must be it. You're delirious."

Lily felt her cheeks warmed up, which was amazing since she was already feeling incredibly warm. "I'm not delirious," she said and glared at him for a second. "I'm just being realistic, I really thought that you were going to tell me that…"

"That I didn't want to date you anymore? After seven years of chasing you and practically telling you that I love you more than anything?" James shook his head and his voice went softer. "Lily, you must be delirious if you think I would be able to ever let you get away from me."

Her eyes watered slightly and James motioned for her to move a bit on the bed, so he could lie next to her. "I know I've been an arrogant toerag this year, Lily," he said and laced her fingers with his. "But I only did that because I was losing hope and trying to… I don't know… to make it hurt less when at the end of the year I would have to let you go forever."

She nodded, indicating that she understood what he was saying and he continued his little speech. "But… I love you Lily and I want to be with you and I know you want to be with me too and… it's perfect!"

They lay in silence on the bed in the Hospital Wing. Just enjoying the fact that they lay side by side and had their fingers laced together when suddenly Liquorice jumped on James' chest and James jumped up.

Lily smiled. "He's jealous," she said and James grinned.

"I'd be jealous if he lay next to you and I had to watch."

"No," Lily said and chuckled. "He's jealous because I lie next to you and he wants to lie next to you."

James lay down again and chuckled as well. "You may have to watch out then, Lily," he said as he turned to face her. "I like your cat very much as well. We might just run away together."

Lily smiled and wrapped her arms around James' neck. "No, I think I've suffered enough this year." James sent her a confused look and she only shook her head and pressed a kiss against his cheek, earning a glare from James. "I'm ill! I can't kiss you on the lips!"

"As if I care," James said and pressed his lips against hers and all was well.

_The End_

**Author's Note: **Did I tell you I feel very bad about taking so long to update? I suffered a writer's block and just couldn't write something that was 'good' enough to post. I hope you all liked this. It's the end of "Suffering from Irony", but I will definitely write more stories, since I'm completely cured and full of inspiration. Thank you all for reading this! I enjoyed every review and love you all!


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